


Whether You're Sober

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-04-08 09:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4299024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An alternate to the night Rae goes to Finn's house for the exclusive sleepover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whether You're Sober

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been thinking about an alternative to the night Rae gets Finn drunk for weeks now. And the comments on this post (Mainly from allimidori chicadificil teastaindiary and audreyoppar) really got me to thinking about that night and how Rae had gotten him drunk, but Finn had also kept drinking and how it was fucked up on both sides of the coin. I’d written a bit of this already, but stalled out. However, the feels about this scene came upon me full force and were haunting the shit out of me. So, I finished the scene I started, but it took a turn. 
> 
> Even though Rae probably wouldn’t be this honest, and Finn probably wouldn’t talk this much, it feels like it’s just cagey and inarticulate enough to be this side of plausible. Still, I recognize it’s another installment of conversation porn. It’s pretty angsty and made me tear up at one point, so be forewarned.

“Right. I’m pourin’ ya one,” Rae declared, smiling. When Finn’s gaze ranged up from her lips to her eyes, he could see apprehension there.

He laughed and said, “Alright, I’ll have ONE. But tha’s it.” Finn held his finger up to emphasize his point. He wasn’t getting drunk tonight. He thought it might have helped in the caravan, because the air in that tiny space was thick with their combined nervousness, but he’d regretted having one (or four) too many in the morning, and not because they hadn’t done it, but because he hadn’t been attentive enough to Rae. His head had been fuzzy and he couldn’t remember everything and he wanted to remember the minutest details of her and their time together.

When she tried to surreptitiously pour him another, he shook his head and held firm. He wasn’t getting drunk. He looked at her glass. She hadn’t taken a sip after that first one.

“What’s this about, Rae?” Finn asked the question before he knew it was out of his mouth. 

“Whad’ya mean? Nothin’. Jus’ thought a drink would …”

Finn looked at her, biting his lip, waiting for her to finish her thought. When she didn’t, he nodded at her to continue.

“Y’know, help.”

“Help what?”

“The proceedin’s. Like, I know I’m not … and I don’t feel … so … Vodka!”

“What are ya tryin’ to say, Rae?” Did she need a drink to get in the mood?

“I guess I thought … that if I got … then maybe I’d feel better about it. More confident. But then, when I got here, and realized that … I wouldn’t be in control. I wouldn’t know what I was doin’, and …”

Finn was incredulous. “And?”

Rae took a breath. Might as well come out with it. Things were bound to end after tonight, anyway, no matter how they turned out. 

“And then I thought … if  _you_  were drunk, then … you wouldn’t mind as much. Or you wouldn’t remember as much. Or … something.”

“Wait, what are you sayin’, Rae?” Finn closed his eyes and tilted his head, like he was trying to hear faint music and name the tune. Only, he was much angrier than trying to name a tune.

“I’m not explainin’ this right. I just …” She brought her hands up to her temples and roughly smoothed her hair back in agitation.

“I wouldn’t MIND as much?” he practically shouted. “And-and … I wouldn’t  _remember_?” He turned away from her, and she snuck her hand forward to grab ahold of the handle at the top of her backpack, getting ready to run. Just as she was about to stand up, he turned back, “Do you have  _any_  idea how many times I’ve imagined this? Us? Together?”

Rae’s eyes were wide with apprehension. She shook her head once, small. 

“So many I can’t count.” He reached out and put his hand on top of hers. “Believe me, I want to remember it.” He sighed sadly. “Why  _wouldn’t_  I want to remember our first time?”

Rae let out a shaky breath. “See, I guess I just figured … I mean, I want to be with ya—“

“An’ I wanna be with you! So where’s the problem?”

“I want to be with you, but … look at me, Finn. Whether you were drunk or sober, I just figured that this time wouldn’t be our first time. It’d be … our only time.” Her eyes filled with tears and she turned her head. The truth of that feeling, of how much she felt it, knocked the air from her lungs.

“Rae, what—?” 

She didn’t say anything for a minute. Finn put his hand on her shoulder.

“B-because, why would ya want to be with me again after … seein’ me naked?” She peered at him over her shoulder.

Finn’s jaw clenched. Then the fist that wasn’t on Rae did the same. 

“See? I knew you’d be angry.”

“I’m not … Rae! I just don’t know what makes me sadder: that you don’t have faith in me … or that you don’t have faith in you.”

Rae let out a laugh and rolled her eyes, which let a few tears drop. 

“What’s so funny? I can’t keep up.” Finn shook his head.

“Just … faith. I should have faith in you. There should be a religion based on how fit ya are.”

“Stop it, Rae! God!” Now he was angry. “Neither of us are just …” he waved his hands back and forth between the two of them, gesturing at her body and his. “We’re more than …” He hit his stomach with his palm and then touched the same hand to her thigh. 

“But other people don’t know that!” she yelled.

“Fuck other people!” Finn yelled back.

Rae stared at him, his breath was heavy, he looked at her with such sincerity, such passion. Could he mean it? She finally looked down, and mumbled, “I’m a four. At best.”

“What??” 

“You’re an eleven and I’m a four. And I know it. Even if you punch every twat at school in the face and I tell every bitch to ‘fuck off’, it doesn’t change the facts.”

“Damn it, Rae,” Finn leaned back, seeming tired. “If that’s all you can see, if that’s what you really think, then fine. Maybe you should go.”

Rae glanced at him, the pain her words had caused all over his face: in the furrowed brow, the flared nostrils, the clenched jaw, the pursed lips. She could see him biting the inside of his cheek from here, and it looked like he could draw blood. Without thinking for once, she leaned forward to kiss him. She took him by surprise, and he faltered, his hand slipping out from under him and he had to steady himself. He kissed her back for a second, then took her face in both his hands and looked her in the eyes. 

“Rae. What do you want?”

Her mind ticked back into action, racing through a thousand possibilities. She wanted to be thin and pretty; she wanted world where even if she wasn’t, people wouldn’t stare at her, stare at THEM; she wanted a crystal ball to know how Finn would feel after they’d done it; she wanted to know if he would still feel the same about her; she wanted the experience of being with him without any doubts; she wanted … she wanted him.

She’d been silent for a long time. So long that Finn was starting to panic a little. Rae moved her head back, out of his gentle grasp. He sighed. Well, he’d tried. The next second, however, she took his left hand and pulled it down, leaving the palm up. Resting it in her left hand, she then slowly and deliberately traced I-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U

This time, the tear that fell on her arm wasn’t hers. She looked up into his watery eyes as he grabbed her hand and wrote back A-R-E-Y-O-U-S-U-R-E-?

Rae nodded vigorously.

Finn stood up, took her hand, and led her up the stairs to his room. He kicked his boots off, and took the flannel from his waist off, then he pulled the duvet cover back and gestured to the bed. Rae took her shoes off (and a deep breath).

“Which side do ya want?” Finn asked.

Rae didn’t know how to answer. She’d never done it before. Chloe didn’t say anything about sides. She shrugged. 

“I usually just take up the whole middle,” he said, chuckling.

Rae still didn’t get what he was on about. 

“Okay, I’ll take the wall. That way,” he grinned “we’ll be like we were at the sexy party.”

“Oh! You mean to sleep?” Rae said, realization dawning.

“Yeah,” Finn smiled. “Invited you over for an exclusive sleepover, didn’t I?”

Rae smiled back. “That you did.”

“Okay, then.” They both got into bed, laying next to each other, but barely touching, until Finn said, “C’mere.”

Rae looked over, and he had his arm out, the other hand touching his chest. She bit her lip and then leaned over, laying her arm across his stomach as his arms wrapped around her. They stayed like that for a long time, listening to each other breathe. 

Rae had almost drifted off to sleep when she thought she heard Finn breathe, “This is nice.”

She nodded into his chest. “Yeah. The calm after the storm,” she joked.

“Hey, you survived it,” Finn said. 

Rae looked up at him, “We survived it.”

“We did.”

Rae put her head back on his chest; this time she heard his heart beating. “There’ll be more storms,” she said.

“There always are.”


End file.
